Translation (A poem)

At the risk of unveiling a rough draft, here's the first run at a poem I've been working on to get at the usefulness but inadequacies of translation.

Frank criticism welcomed! (Talking to you Joshua )

A translation makes us

Believe we can

Comprehend a language

Distant in time,

Evocative, nuanced,

Foreign, strange, new.

Giving us words to read

Holds before us

Imperfect reflections.

Just consider,

Kings and peasants would speak

Living Latin.

Melodic Greeks sang, but,

Now, we must trust

One translator's choices.

Pursue connotations!

Question their decisions!

Read carefully!

Sense something deeper and.

Treasures await!

Uncover mosaics,

Varied colors

Waiting discovery like

Xenos: stranger.

Yet also visitor.

Zeroing in

Yields riches unforseen.

Xenos: serve guests

With hospitality.

Vow to dig in!

Upset preconceptions,

Tempted to start

Seeing complexities.

Read beneath lines,

Questioning the choices

Presented there.

One word fixed on the page

Now expanding its sense

Makes you appreciate

Language becoming yours.

Keep comparing translations,

Juxtapose and compare.

Increasing understanding.

Hold decisions in check.

Good enough is not sufficient.

Flowing words fill us

Evoking

Delight,

Comprehend

Beyond

A translation.

Oh, no worries! I'll just be interested in a review if he gets a chance. He was very helpful on the hymn!

Quote from Cassius

The prodigal surveyor has returned just as we were talking a lot about boundary-stones. We will halt the eviction proceedings!

Remember, prodigal means "spending money or resources freely and recklessly; wastefully extravagant." That doesn't sound like our friend, Joshua ... And what are doing, using Biblical allusions anyway, Cassius

Quote from JJElbert

Don, I see you're getting well-acquainted with the particular difficulties of short lines!

You bet!!

I still think the topic of the poem has merit, but I'm wondering if I need another structure... although I liked the abcedarian approach for the language aspect.

Paian Anax! That is impressive!

It seems I serve better as a Calliope to Joshua 's Lucretius than a poet myself

My only observation is that last word "yolk". You paint such a vivid picture with the barrels and wine that to end on an egg seems out of place. I was thinking the near rhyme "sack" but I don't think it's near enough. Oaks and Hoax?

...

In ash and oaks.

The poet's verse

Was fine and subtle—

The translator's,

A rancid hoax.

Joke?

The translator's,

a rancid joke?

Switch "oak and ash" then

The poet's verse

Was fine and subtle—

The translator

Makes sour mash.

Just suggestions. You are sincerely an inspiration!!

That's the issue I'm running into to convey.

Translation can be a very useful tool but it can also be a mask or facade or pale distorted reflection.

Nice! Well done!

Quote from JJElbert

Try this on for size;

***

There's use within

A cooper's barrel,

But beauty more

In oak and ash–

The poet's verse

Was fine and subtle—

Translated in

A leaking cask.

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I really like than near rhyme which, to me, approximates the "almost but not quite" relation of the translation to its original source.