but at the end of the day, I'm not a nihilist.
I'd rather have my life be about pleasure than virtue or duty or spend it whining about the meaninglessness of existence
Very very well stated Sam. Those comments are very close to why I personally got involved in Epicurean philosophy years ago and remain motivated today. To me, most modern "atheism" is sterile and totally unattractive, and does exactly what you reference - end up in nihilism and whining in self-pity about the supposed meaninglessness of existence. I think Epicurus saw exactly that too, and that that's neither true nor good enough for happy living.
Glad to have you here and look forward to hearing more from you. It can be a lonely world for people of these views and it is good to have other like-minded people to talk to.